a change in the weather...

First week of school. Third week of volleyball. Friends, family, homework. Laptop.


Pretty much my life as of now.
I'm over consumed with school. It's almost sad how badly I want to make good grades. I've never felt this strongly about it. Maybe it's just because my sister is going off to college next year, and doesn't ever have the same answer for what she wants to do. Crazy, right? I feel all this ambition to doing great, and hopefully I can stick it out. I never actually know if I will though.
Volleyball=intense.
This year has been 100% different from last year. Two new coaches, new freshman, old teammates gone, and a new idea on why we play. It's great. Our team has done a 180. As a team, we're so much closer, and have so much more fun. I mean sure, we work hard, do conditioning to make Collin happy, and run everywhere we go, but our whole mindset is different. It's actually fun to be on the team that FEELS like a team. It doesn't hurt that we've won our first two games either.
Friends....
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends to death. But even if I say I don't have secrets, it does NOT mean I'm that open with people. I don't go up to my friends and tell them everything. If they ask, sure! I'll tell. But not everything is made known. I have a private life. Everyone does. But when a friend does exactly what you asked them (multiple times) not to do, what are you supposed to do? Well I get mad. And I get over it. But it has to be on my time, not the other person's. My friends see this, when it's not them who did the stupid thing. It's funny how blind the world can be.

Which brings me to my next point.
I've heard people say it over and over. I don't want to talk to you right now means exactly what is said. I don't understand why people don't respect that. I know that I used to not, but I started to actually listen to what people are saying towards others, or me for that matter. Seriously. If someone talks like they don't like you, or are annoyed with you, ask them. At least they should be honest enough to tell you if they do or not.
I've started just telling people the truth. Not the half truths that make people feel good. If you ask me if I'm annoyed at you, I'll say yes, and I'll tell you why. Because I'd want you to do the same to me. If you dislike me, tell me. I'd rather hear it from you, and hear your reasoning then hearing the gossip. It's just generally ridiculous that: a) You can't just come and tell me, or b) your friends can't keep their mouths shut out of respect for you. I feel bad either way. Please don't bullshit me. I don't bullshit people anymore.


So that was a fairly lengthy rant over no specific moment in time..
awesome.

Night all.
Rach.

X-Games?

X-Games, Music, Working, Volleyball.

I don't want to try-out for volleyball this year. It's weird, I love love love playing, but to me, it just seems....pointless right now for me.

Let's rewind.
I don't like rejection.
There's been a lot of it recently with me.
I don't like public rejection.
Not making volleyball would be that.
I'm split.
I mean, I never wanted to play volleyball for scholorships, I'm not great. I played it to stay somewhat in shape, and have fun. Last year wasn't very fun for me though. I don't know. I'm torn. We'll see I guess.



I'm tired of sharing randomness on this blog.
When I have something of importance to talk about,
I'll write..

Then you walk, under the streetlights

Humming, CSI, Smart Water, Cell Phone, NYLF, Transformers, my sister's friends..


I'd like to say that I learn a lot over summer. I might not learn things from books, but I feel like I learn a lot about myself over the summer. Every year, when school comes around, I feel like I'm completely different. I know that I'm not a whole new person, but I feel like there are major differences in my attitude and way of thinking. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I just have wayyyy too much time on my hands during the summer. Who knows?

I think I've learned the most about myself in the past two weeks. Not only did I learn that I'm fine spending time alone, or without people from my grade. In fact, I think that's why I like summer so much. I don't usually talk to people I normally do. I tend to lean towards people I only see over the summer, or people that I just don't normally spend more than 10 minutes with.

EXAMPLE: This past Monday night. My sister had the group of people she hangs out with over. She let me stay and hang out, and it was probably the most fun I had all summer. It's nice to be around people that I knew before, but didn't really know that well.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my friends to death, but I'm one of those people who likes change. My best friends are still the exact same, but I don't feel it's necassary to hang out with them everytime I want to do something.


I think the thing I learned the most about is my emotions. I'm a very emotional person. I take everything to heart. It's very hard for me let jokes go when they really screw with my emotions. But the worst part is that two people can do the exact same thing, and it's fine if one does it, but I can't stand it if the other does. I don't like when people play with my feelings, at all. Like half friends, or guys that flirt like crazyyy, then turn around and act like I'm nothing. I'm fine with innocent flirting. And I'm okay with people being plesant, but not, say, a best friend. I don't need anymore best friends. Not that I won't take any (haha), but it's not like I have no one. When it comes down to it, I bottle up so much. I'm overly sensitive to people saying things. I know that 85% of the time that someone says something and it makes me upset, they didn't mean for it to. That's why I usually never actually say when I'm upset, I just go and listen to music, or write on this, or something else. Because by the time I'm done, I'm fine. I don't get mad to the point of telling someone a lot, because they'd REALLLLY have to do something bad to make me that mad. I just get a little upset or annoyed, and I'm over it within 5 minutes. Or I forget about it until later. I don't always like how I handle things, but it usually turns out for the best. Most things I get over, and it's fine. Well, that's enough for now. I've talked wayy too much about myself. ahahaha.


On a different note:
I'm waking up at 8am.
I'm going to be in a car for about 7 hours with my family.
I'm visiting my grandparents up in Ohio.
I'm driving home Sunday.

ehhhhhh. I miss them terribly. But I don't really want to go up to Ohio.
Texting me would be nice.


Anyways, it's nice to take a break from technology, and people. Some say they'd go crazy or die without their friends or phones for a day, but that's not me. I love the company of my friends and the convieance of my phone, but I could go without them for at least a few weeks. I like to be by myself (asher roth, anyone?) as much as I like to be with others. On the freshman beach trip, I was an INFP, but the thing is, I tied for extroverted. Dead even. 5 and 5. Most assumed that I would pick extroverted, but that's untrue. At the end of the day, I have to go to my room, lay there and read or write, and just be by myself (again, anyone? ahha).



Have you ever had one of those moments, where you're sitting outside, taking a walk around, driving in the car with the windows down, looking out your bedroom window, or some other form of being outside, and think how amazing the day is, and how you wish it'd never end? Those are the best days I have. Two years ago, in March, my family and I were driving home from WV. We were still in the mountains, and it was around 60 degrees outside. It was glorious. I felt so carefree, with the window down, and my music playing. I didn't feel happy for any particular reason, but I felt so alive. I have a lot of these moments it seems. I wish I could share how I feel with everyone, because I think if everyone could expirence at least two of these days a year, things would feel so much better. I don't know, that's just me. They mean that much to me.

Obviously, I've been feeling pretty dang confused on my emotions, since I'm sharing all about them. Anyways.

Think about it: I feel more alive this summer than any other. Maybe it's just cause my blood sugar is doing so well. Maybe cause I'm getting a new pump soon. Maybe cause I'm not tiring of my friends, because I feel like I have more. Maybe I'm done trying so hard to be perfect, and now I'm just being myself.


Alright, Katie has been asking to get on the computer for the past 30 minutes, it's time I give it up.


Peace :]
Rach.

So It's been more than a month..

What I Like About You, Scrubs, Sunscreen, Sunburn, Working, Pool, Cell Phone, Texting, Defiance, Role Models, Seinfeld, Computers, Itouch, Ming's, Shopping, Photos.









That's what my days have consisted of, but you know what? I'm pretty okay with it. It's summer after all. I mean, it's all good. :]





I've had way too much time to think though. Like, waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. Sitting on my ass for 4 hours every other day kinda leads you to it.


So I've been pretty stressed lately (this blog has been written over a couple days, since I've been lazy beyond belief. I miss school.). I've just felt this pressure to be doing something when I'm not. Maybe that's just the school me coming back into play. But I feel the need to organize, clean, write, take notes, and whatever else reminds me of school. I miss the days that I could just lay around.
It's weird, to think 'I'm a teenager, I'm supposed to be at a friend's house almost everyday, or someone is supposed to be at my house. I'm not supposed to have a job that consumes most of my time, and if I do, I'm not supposed to like going to it.'

I'm sitting here, at 11:09 at night, watching VH1, listening to my brother make funny-ish comments, wondering why I don't have a life. And it all comes back down to me being the middle child! I swear, there is an obviousness about it that makes it seem impossible.
OUR FAMILY:
Sister--> 16, soon to be 17. Parent's first. "the responsible one" Has her license, car, and endless amounts of time, and money.
Brother-->Just turned 13. Mama's favorite. "the baby". Friends live semi-close, and parents will drive him and his friends.
Mother-->Baby's Nick. Tries to be Katie's best friend. SNAPS AT ME EVERYTIME I TALK NOW. (ask Katie, she agrees)
Daddy-->Usually fine. Doesn't say anything when I'm getting yelled at.
Rachel--> 15. Middle Child. The one that costs the most because she doesn't function correctly. No license, no car. Parents don't like to drive her. Friends live pretty far.

It's a little unfortunate.



NEW TOPIC:
My friends are hilarious. I get a text today from one of them asking me for dance advice. But the text that I got was: I have a serious problem.

I was so scared hahaah. I thought that they were in serious trouble hahaha.
And another bought a bow-tie.
I'm having a harper's island and frosting marathon on Tuesday with one.
One is with their family at the beach and texts me about random stuff.
Ohhh, there's so much more. This is just the past few days.

But then there's my best friend. Who can't seem to make up their mind on what they want from me. I hate being pulled around, but this is extreme for even the most bipolar person..

Ah well.
I'll get some music.
Write some stuff.
Read some more.
Focus on other stuff.
I'm not a huge fan of wallowing around in self pity.


I think I just made plans for this Wed after my sleepover.
sweeeeeet:]
anyways,

peace out.
fall out.
break out.
speak out.
:]
Rach.

For all you music lovers..

I'm in need of new music.
Mix CD's anyone? [:

Gracing the stage, but I'm turnin' the page.That moment's gone, so I wrote you this song now.It feels like the road is telling me where to go now.There's nothing to fear, it's so special here.So I'll go pack my bags, take the trainLeave with nothing but my own hopes and dreams, That's everything to me.So what would it be like if everything came trueImagine when I see you, imagine what I'd doI'd gaze up at the stars and never move my eyesTake me to a place high up in the skies.Imagine what I'd do if everything came true.I'd never have to fly in a rainy dayPunch drunk love man pass it my wayI'll go pack my bags, take the trainLeave with nothing but my own hopes and dreams, that's me.I know it's true, but I gotta do what my heart's supposed to doAnd what I was born to do.So what would it be like if everything came trueImagine when I see you, imagine what I'd doI'd gaze up at the stars and never move my eyesTake me to a place high up in the skies.Imagine what I'd do if everything came true.I'd never have to fly in a rainy dayPunch drunk love man pass it my wayI'll go pack my bags, take the trainLeave with nothing but my own hopes and dreams, that's me.I know it's true, but I gotta do what my heart's supposed to doAnd what I was born to do.Grab my hand now and feel my insides, this is where I should beAll that dreamin' and there's with reason, it's extra-ordinaryI'll go pack my bags, take the trainLeave with nothing but my own hopes and dreams, that's me.I know it's true, but I gotta do what my heart's supposed to doAnd what I was born to do.Grab my hand now and feel my insides, this is where I should beAll that dreamin' and there's with reason, it's extra-ordinaryGrab my hand now and feel my insides, this is where I should beAll that dreamin' and there's with reason, it's extra-ordinaryI'll go pack my bags, take the trainLeave with nothing but my own hopes and dreams, that's me.I know it's true, but I gotta do what my heart's supposed to doAnd what I was born to do.So what would it be like if everything came trueImagine when I see you, imagine what I'd doI'd gaze up at the stars and never move my eyesTake me to a place high up in the skies.Imagine what I'd do if everything came true.I'd never have to fly in a rainy dayPunch drunk love man pass it my wayAnd I just need, need this moment To watch the sky breathe the airAnd I can see, see the ocean and your eyes standing thereAnd a prayer.

-Beautiful Colors: Kill Paradise.
sadly, not on my ipod.


I feel like making a list of things I like right now:
clouds
sun showers
music
picnics
phones
necklaces
fooood
sweatshirts
Boone
Wilmington
friends
family
cards
solitare
boys
laptops
football
basketball
masks
dresses
stuffed animals
old school cameras
new cameras
surveys for facebook[:
Sudeep
Mallory
Hailey
Bryan
Friends
Strangers
Pictures
youtubeeeee
lyric sites
wake up texts.

Dear Hans and Camille,
You two are awesome, for real. I very much felt the need to tell you guys. Hans, cause you've become a pretty good friend within the past two weeks, and that's great. And Camille, cause just everything you do makes me laugh. It's great. I wish we talked more hahaa.
mkay, thought you two should know.

that's all for now.
peace,
Rach.

So I'm not one of those religious bloggers..

please forgive.

texts, Philly cheese steaks, EXAMS, work schedule, creative process.

First off, Camille, I know you are one of the followers of this blog. I don't know if you'll read this one, but I'm sorry for never sending you my itunes! I kinda got distracted... I'm sorrrry! ]:

alright.

I'm not sure where to begin, honestly. Let's fill for a moment:

I went shopping.

I got new shorts and shirts.

I wrote my English final in a hour, it was 4 pages.

I didn't feel like studying for exams, because that makes me stressed.

I helped out Hans, a little bit, I hope.

My parents told me they want to retire to Espana.

I read wayyy too many pages of www.textsfromlastnight.com.

I reread a very horrible book from sixth grade.

Fillers, done.

Ahhhh, last week. Yearbooks! I have pages and pages of people signing my yearbooks. But I only actually care about a small amount of them. It's funny to think how everyone was yelling: "SIGN MINE, WHERE'S YOURS?" when clearly they didn't talk to you the whole year. It's quite enjoyable. I tried to get everyone I cared about to sign first, so they would have the room they wanted, but well, I didn't see them all. Poor Christina and Jake, on separate papers haha. Anyways, the point. I went back and read some of the stuff people wrote. And i started laughing. Mostly because one of my "good friends" wrote all this amazingly nice and caring stuff, but now is acting like even less of a friend then before. Which should be puzzling, but it's not. They think because the wrote in my yearbook they can not try even more. hahahahaha, oh the human brain.

I worked Sunday. Work itself is slightly boring, but the other lifeguards are hilarious, so it will be a pretty good summer. I got myself into more trouble though. I'm not quite sure how I manage this. Taylor told me he liked me again. After all this friggin' time. Flattered, yes. Happy, no. He's sweet, and nice. But I've been down this road, and I don't want to go back. Plus, I had someone else on my mind. I tried to make this clear, but apparently it didn't work, since he was still upset today when my relationship status changed....odd, no?

Summer is less than a week away, so I started to think about how I'd want to spend one of my summers. I got it.

It's something so typical, but I want to backpack. But unlike oh-so many people, I just want Spain and Alaska. I don't know what my Dad saw there when he was in the Air Force, but he loves both of those places. Whenever he talks about them, I get so excited. I mean, you've got to admit, they are beautiful. And they would be so different. Spain would be different from the USA, obviously. And Alaska would be an extremely different state then North Carolina...or any other state I've been to for that matter.

So I was reading Hans'(s) blog. It was making me think. He pours his whole entire being into two blogs, and some person anonymously tells him all this critical stuff. I'm not sure I completely understand that. Not him spilling his guts, that's understandable. I mean some person criticizing him on how he feels. That doesn't make much sense to me. But maybe that's just me?

Just think- a world with no Internet. No privacy disturbances, no hacking, no personal information on the web. What a beautiful, oblivious world we'd live in..

Night all,

I've put off sleep long enough[:

-Rach.

Realizations

Bitch load of food, music, texts, and emotions.

It's started! Finally! I'm being bribed to get good grades. It's not like I actually need the bribe though. 3.5+ GPA= double allowence. All A's=triple allowence. Saaaa-weeet?![: Well that was one of my favorite parts of the day, by far.

Today, I just kinda realized how unbelieveably lucky I am. I mean really. My family is close-knit, I have great friends, I understand school, and I've got a job. haha. But for real now, I am super lucky. It's kinda scary. I don't know, but then again, who really does?

Anyways...
YEARBOOK DAYYYY!
Probably the most pointless day of the school year, yet everyoneeeee loves it. Just think about it. Oh lord, I just spent the past ten minutes stripping my sister's bed, hiding all of it, and then laughing about how pissed she'll be. PRICELESSSSSSS. Don't ever tell people things that I tell you thinking you won't tell anyone..

Well I'm off for now, my days are rather pointless.
Rach.



oh, ps. I spent 45 mins with him after school, just hanging out in foundatin hall, talking. It was fun, and completely relaxed. It was wonderfulllll.

Hans would love the title..fuck.

16 gallons of hot water, 3 tabs, 1 long car ride, and 1 bojangles pitstop later..

I'm so done with school, I don't think anyone even remotely knows. I mean realllly now.
How stupid was I to think that she wouldn't say anything? I knew she read them, but I didn't think she'd actually tell her friends. I mean God, one of her friends hates me. I guess I'm too trusting, or think too highly of her. Well, not anymore. I'm done. I'm over-done. She can do whatever the hell she wants now. Simply 'cause I won't have anything to do with her anymore. Nope. I don't care what she says, it's not happening. You can't do that, and expect nothing to happen but to get yelled at.
No more Bojangles. Ever.

Anyways, Symposium was awesome. It was the first and last one of the year. First for me, last for everyone. I was pretty impressed actually. As far as I could see, the track meet was doing...decent? It was postponed a couple times, but oh well[:
So all within 6 hours, I got my fill of drama for the day. Starting with Bio drop and ending with the car ride home.
and of course everything inbetween.

I just think everyone needs to step back.
Step way, way back.
Just think:
Some things are right under your nose the whole time, but you don't realize it until it's too late.
You did great, really.


I'm on to the ultimate death of studying, Facebook, now.
Text if needed.

[:
Rach.

Mondays..

Are a pain in the ass. I'm sorry, but I can't stand Monday's when it's the end of the school year. I'm sitting here, wondering what to do, because there's no homework, my hand is on fire, and Greek isn't on yet. Oh, and my phone isn't ringing ]:<

I really want to sleep. My eyes are constantly hurting now. Visine please? Oh well, summer is close. I'll live. [:

I'm going to add more at nine.
right now I'm having trouble concentrating.

Blogging your heart out?

47 songs, one 30 minute drive, 0 cookies, 1 cellphone, and 0 calls later..

I'm sitting here.
Really? Writer's Block again? So I cannot write for English or WHI, but I can sit here and type my heart out on the world wide web. Normal-ithinknot. oh! 49 songs now. How easy it is to sit here and just, type. No worries on what is being said, no grade, nothing like that. Why can't everything be as simple as blogging? What predicaments I can get myself into. I have two right now, that are consuming my thinking.

FIRST:
I sit here, day to day, waiting for something to change with him. But nothing does. So I took it into my own hands, and what happens? I get smacked in the face by the effort made. Classic Rachel, no? I thought that guys were supposed to like the smart, nicer girls, that can still have fun. I'm not here to brag about greatness, because, frankly, I don't think there's much, if any. But still- I don't play dumb, I don't lack the brain cells that tell me to not drink or do drugs, I'm not one to wear too-tight clothing. But that's all the guys seem to go for. I mean, seriously. I could scream. How is it that this always happens?

SECOND:
I have potential pink eye.
perrrrfect.

l-o-v-e-l-y,
how sweet it is,
to think that summer is only weeks away.
I wish I could say I will be laying around, and seeing my friends a lot.
But I won't.
I'll be working my ass off. Same with next summer.
How bittersweet-
School work draws to an end,
then summer work begins!

Until I get tired of staring at a blank computer screen,
rarmy.

Music and Letters

Don't you just love a letter? Romantic, Poetic, Happy, Sad, Longing- it doesn't matter. I miss getting letters. I miss a lot. Man oh man, where did all that fun go? I'm stuck in my room, writing a lovely rough draft for a paper i don't like, all while slightly more miserable because i can't talk to my best friend in the world until Tuesday. I don't even know what will happen then. I'm terrified of what happened last night, but it needed to be done.

I mean, what else could i have done? He needs to figure himself out before i can try to firgure out what to do. I need to get back to writing. and I need lunch.

I won't let you, let you give up on a miracle, when it might save you..

Allergies and the Telephone.

I just sat outside for about a hour and a half talking to my best friend in the world.
All that got me was allergies, less minutes to use later, and some serious shit from my dad about missing the movie i was supposed to be watching with my mom and sister.
oh well.
haha.

I think it was worth it. I'll find out by Tuesday

He shouldn't of moved, and I shouldn't of been so bitter. I just wish everything would of turned out before now, it would of been much more convenient. Butttttt, what can you do?

I'm going to go read.
and put on my glasses for the first time since....Wednesday?

Night all,

Disney Movies and Chocolate Chip Pancakes

"Sing it: Joy to the world, all the boys and girls now. Joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea, and joy to you and me."

What can I say?

Two of my favorite things, all in one day.


Art's Jam was amazing, of course. Even with costume malfunctions during the dance preformance. Seeing everyone so excited and happy, it was great. Cannon should have more festivals and stuff. Hanging out with all my friends is amazing of course. I just wish some of them would of been a little bit less, bitchy? That's just about the best word I can use. I mean really, just cause you're not happy, doesn't mean you have to be like that to me.


But oh well, get over it[:

I've given up on understanding you. You just push everything to the limit. What do you expect from me? You clearly don't understand it. How do you expect ME to?

Summer countdown: 20 days.


ahhh, life.
one more word, one more wish.